Great way to end at the good ol' AAC

I feel like a very very small person. I don't know why I let people affect me so much. Especially people like CJ whose opinion is the furthest thing from any importance. Ever since I was a young babe, I have always felt like this weirdo. In a bad way. This outsider that all the boys made fun of that all the girls didn't really want to hang around. I don't know what about me (and after discussing this feeling with Meredith) and my sister makes us so fucking bizarre.

Okay, I've had boyfriends. But let's take a look at this shall we. Evan did nothing but try to change me to make me a better pet for him. I'm pretty sure he was always setting his sights for the higher horizon. What I want to know is why the hell he stayed with me for so long if he always felt that way. It's fucking sadistic.

Now Jacob. Jacob is a different specimen completely. He's odd, quirky and not really much at all like his friends. I don't know, I just think weird girls are his thing.

CJ didn't say much but enough for me to freak out and probably mull on this feeling of pity and resentment all day. "A virgin bitch." How classy. The fact that I am a virgin has never bothered me and I have never felt discriminated (is that the right word?) for it. But damn does that burn. I'm so glad that all the line guys have their cool special line guys club in which they bash and put down and make fun of the secretaries. Wait! Ha ha ha how silly of me! Not SECRETARIES. No, no.

Just fucking me.

It's been a while since I've written, but that's okay. I've just come to find out that whereas I am a "journal" person, I simply am not a persistent and punctual journal person. So. Anyway.

Last night, I spent the night with Langley and Jade and it was so so much fun. I had a blast. We went to Robert's to swim for a bit, we drove around and hung out at a gas station where Jade embarrassed the living fuck out of me in front of Dylan McCalister, a boy I've had a Facebook crush on for a while now and, uh, we eventually retired to Langley's house. It was wonderful fun and games and we woke up this morning and went and had sushi and everything was fine and dandy until we went by Sam's house.

To give you a little background information, Sam Cripps is a friend of mine who has just recently fallen off of the face of the Earth due to a bad situation involving him, his mother, his girlfriend, a lot of lying and a few drugs. Honestly, I don't know the whole story other than his girlfriend gave him a few pills one time and then he got into trouble about some ISS bullshit and then the drug dolling out came into light and all hell broke loose. Now, he's been taken away to some family member's house for the summer and has absolutely no connection with the outside world via cell phone, Facebook and so on. So, since Austria and Prom and the Get Smart Play we were both in, I haven't seen or heard from Sam whatsoever.

Back to the story. We pull up to his house and Jade decides to go and knock on the door. There was a single car there and honestly, we didn't expect anyone to answer. Then this man comes to the door who is apparently his step father and shit goes down. We see him yelling at Jade and continuing to move his head repeatedly and even motions to the car and says something about Langley and such. Langley and I get out of the car to see what was happening when Jade just comes to car telling us to get in. The guy said something else about "And you too Langley and (motioning to me) I don't know who you are but..!".

Fucking crazy right? So, Jade gets in the car and tells us all the shit he unpiled on her. He blames her for getting him "started" on OxyContinn and even goes so far as to tell her she and her family should be ashamed of her.

I don't know what happened drug wise, I don't know if anyone gave anything to Sam or what Sam told them Langley and Jade did to him, but I know in my heart that both of those girls are good good people. I despise that man for making any of us doubting that fact. I still can't believe that this 50 something man actually unloaded all of the issues he and his family have on a 16-year-old girl and even dained to tell her that it was all her doing! That is such shit! I didn't know at all how to comfort Jade simply because I was astounded that anyone would ever ever do that and make those insinuations.

I love Jade and Langley so fucking much and I want to hit that man for ever making them even for a second doubt what wonderful people they are. No one has ever made me feel more accepted and loved and whole than the two of them and Carter.

I prayed when we left and will continue to pray that everything having to do with the Sam situation works itself out and that I get to see Sam again. I desperately miss him and this whole thing is absolutely crazy.

I feel very strange at this point in my month, year, life. I don't really know how to take everything in. I'm scared shitless but I'm also completely and utterly stoked. The two feelings seem to negate each other often and without warning.

Today, I was sitting in my high school's library studying for a Physics test. Then it hit me: I doubt I will ever sit here and do this again. This ritual that I've had since sophomore year - when the table's company proves less than desirable or I really am waiting until the last minute to give a shit about my grade - is suddenly being taken away from me. That's a strange way to put it, sure, but it's kind of how I feel about things at this point. Used to, I couldn't wait to turn in my textbooks, clean out my locker and so on. But now, on the eve of my big ol' high school farewell, these things are being pushed on me, like all of Jonesboro is doing everything in its power to make me grow up in a week's time.

Okay. Maybe these big, huge, wistful statements aren't really fitting for the simple realization that I have to turn in my textbooks to all of my teachers. But still! Isn't this big? Doesn't anyone see what's happening? Doesn't anyone realize what we're about to do? Move away, leave the comfort of our school, be around all new, strange faces, living on our own, no parents, no idea what the hell we want to be or do in life.

To me, it seems like a pretty damn big deal. I'm so overwhelmed with this fear that I almost don't want to graduate, leave or even turn in these books that have been riding around in my trunk for most of my senior year. A part of me wants to take everything that I have now and freeze it here, until I'm ready.

Then again, another part of me cannot wait to get the hell out of here and figure out just who I am. That's what college is good for right? That and booze, right? RIGHT?!

I wish someone could answer me. I feel like no one feels the way I feel and then I feel like everyone that has ever moved on and done anything for themselves, by themselves is scoffing at my insinuating that, of course, I'm the only one that is feeling this.

I feel funky and all I want is a kiss.

Is that weird?

Last night was really weird

I very much believe in weird universal signals and last night was chuck full of them. All sorts of weird ass weather came in last night while I was at a play. We had tornados and the city lost power in most places. Then, the play was stopped because of the weather, Evan left to do homework, my purse broke, then my parents didn't have any keys into the house, then I was driving home and the Turtle Creek Mall sign was down and a big giant took the fence of the fairgrounds and crumpled it in his hand and I felt so weird and vulnerable and bizarre all night long. Then, I went home, camped out in the recliner in front of the living room window and listened to The Antlers' Hospice and there were flashes of lights all over the place and Evan was texting me and calling me at 1 to tell me about his car being struck by lightning and then this lightning bolt created a fireworks affect and then I woke up in the middle of the night to a flashlight outside and someone coming into the house that turned out to be my Dad.

I know this is disorganized and doesn't make any sense but I feel the need to record all of these things so as to make sense of why I found last night so ominous and meaningful and awful but at the same time wonderfully interesting AND AND AND!

I like the fact that no one reads this. It makes me feel like I can truly talk about what is going on in my head without altering it for anyone else but myself. It's not that it's really personal. But I think that maybe giving this blog to someone else to see might be this big gift. Or at least to me. Maybe not. Maybe the minute I "give" this blog to someone else to peruse, it will lose something. Instead of this idea I have in my head of it being this soul sharing, giving a piece of myself sort of ceremony, it will instead be something not so special and even ridiculous.

At this point I'm ranting. But don't you ("you" being the great void that is in fact the internet) think this helps? Don't you think that everyone should and really wants to share like this? Not that silly "My grandfather killed himself" kind of sharing but those raw, nonsensical thoughts and thought processes that make all of us weird and strange and unintelligible most of the time.

I'm glad it doesn't make sense. It doesn't need to.

It's not like that

So, I just came into my living room to use my mother's scanner. While I was scanning my papers and printing them out, I couldn't help but overhear the DVD she was watching in preparation for her Bible class she has every Tuesday. From what I've gathered, this "class" is an actual course over the Bible like a History course.

Anyway.

As I was listening to this very obnoxiously loud "instructor" speak, I got more and more upset. He was making Christianity into something scary. He was talking about the rapture and how (I swear he actually said this) "it hasn't come because I'm still standing here". Also, he was saying you might as well become a Christian now because later, you won't have a chance to and on and on and on with these silly tangents.

I'm sorry, but to me, that is not what Christianity or even believing in God is about whatsoever. It's something that you're supposed to enjoy, supposed to give you fulfillment just by being a Christian and putting your faith in something greater than yourself. I get so much out of it but I can't tell you the last time that the thought of Rapture and being too late to worship my God scared me into being a better, more faithful Christian. I feel like this way of thinking is popular among local Southern Baptist churches..

Maybe not. I know this is how I felt at my church. Scared by the idea of hell and being apart from my family, I took Christ as my savior. Then, a few years later, feeling burned and hurt by my church and it's members, I had a period of confusion and sometimes disbelief. I still, like everyone else, fall short and am occasionally choked by the idea that there is nothing out there and we are all alone.

But then things happen. Even in my darkest hour, God comes for me in the most evident and inspiring ways. It lifts me up and gives me this radiating joy that I feel like cannot be touched by anyone, no matter how hard they try.

And that's what I live for. The radiating joy that the presence of God brings into my life. I may not have all the answers and I may fall short a lot of the time, but the great thing is, regardless of my shortcomings, I'm accepted and loved. Always. That's what I get out of Christianity.

What I love

I feel like most of the time, I'm either complaining about some situation or getting worked up over something that, in maybe a few days, won't bother me in the slightest. I feel like most of the time I don't stop to think of all the things that I've been blessed with and all the things that I see in my everyday life that make me happy. I wanted to take a second to do that.

I love my friends dearly. Carter, Langley, Jade, Tori, Evan, Andrew, Maja, Alyssa, Niki, Madison, Kristin, Austin, Adam, Paul, Seth, and so many more, you all mean the world to me whether you think so or not.

I love my job. I love working in a place where almost everyday I go to work, I learn something new. I love that almost everyday, I go into work and am greeted by a boss that is a really nice, funny and playful guy. I love that I work with one of my best friends, Andrew. I become so overjoyed when, at the end of the night, the white Quest minivan pulls up at the front doors of the FBO, soul music blaring, to drop off the human samples at the front entrance.

Despite what I may say/feel sometimes, I love my city. I love knowing every back road and being able to drive around freely with my windows down and my music up.

I love Craighead. I love that our city is blessed enough to have such a beautiful public park/forest at our disposal. I love being able to go up there with my friends and have something free and wonderfully entertaining to do for the afternoon.

I am so thankful for having loving, wonderful parents that have given me so much and encouraged me so much throughout my childhood. I love them and their ability to make me feel the safest I can possibly be. I love my mother's way of getting all giddy over girly teenager things like prom dresses and hairstyles. I love the fact that my father walks me to the door every morning to see me to school and that he loves and bonds with our dog Skeeter so much and that he never fails to tell me to "be careful of all the other idiots driving" anytime before I get into a car to drive.

I love that my teachers care about me and know who I am and that I can joke around with Mrs. Grubb and get caught by Mrs. Holifield doing the dance routine to Bye Bye Bye! with Tori and not get in trouble but instead asked to "keep going!" Though I never understand what he's trying to teach and goof off in his class a lot, I love Mr. Dellinger and his silly way of doing things and his unyielding faith and his quirky, true to form "I don't care what other people thing" personality that is put to the test everyday in class when he yips and yaws and hee haws.

I love that I'm in a school where I can explore new activities and have the privilege of a FREE education that most of the time I take for granted.

There's a long, long list of these things that make me radiant and warm all over. I can't begin to tell you how much these things, as well as these people, mean to me.

Thank you so, so much.

Just now

I read this quote in this book, SoulPancake, and it made me want to cry. Or at least made me feel very uneasy and almost mad. It says this "You can't interfere with destiny, that's why it's destiny. If you try to interfere, the same thing is going to happen anyway and you'll just suffer." It's a quote from the movie Election, I think.

So, it's not some profound statement by some profound author or philosopher, but it's enough of a statement to call for some sort of reaction right?

So, we're all just here, already have our "destinies" set, and are just kind of pretending to do what we want when really, our overall living experience is this laundry list of events, people and place that you will attend, meet and see and it is all inevitable and already played out before it plays out? That's baloney. I can't say I haven't felt like that before, but the thought of it is such a weight on me right now.

I don't believe this really has anything to do with the idea of God either. I know God has a plan for us, and we will come to see and know things that he specifically wanted us to see and know but to say that our whole human life is planned to the tee as far as the things we encounter is almost unforgivable in my eyes. Not it is unforgivable of God but that it is just unimaginable that that's the truth of the human experience. Why would God want that? A bunch of little game pieces that all have a set pattern in everything they do. Like, I'm picturing God, lounging around on a couch one day, dreaming up all these crazy plot lines for human lives only to create these pre-planned humans, so he can sit back and watch our lives that he's planned to every minute detail like a rerun of some old TV show. One that you've seen thousands of times.

Not to say I don't think God knows all. But to say that we're not here to make a difference, make changes, make mistakes to learn from and thereby become closer to God? That's unthinkable.

Looking at it from the standpoint of nature in general, yes, in a sense, my fate is determined simply by the temporary nature of my body and existence. I will die someday. So will every other living thing on this Earth. But I like to humor myself with the idea that I am making my own effort to be who I am, have feelings unique to me and my circumstances and my thoughts, while God is smiling in the background whispering me words of encouragement, wisdom and maybe even giving me a few pointers.

Does that idea completely negate what I said about thinking the idea of unmovable destiny is bullshit?

Though I speak (or in this case type) in a jumbled, usually nonsensical manner, I feel like I've figured out something here. Just typing this has made me feel better. Like I've found at least something of value just now, sitting in the front office of Arkansas Air Center, alone, reading SoulPancake.

It's something.

From here on out

Hows about this: I have a blog dedicated to intellectual ponderings, theories and beyond typical experiences as opposed to focusing all of my energy and attention into describing people, what they did, how I remember feeling, and so on and so on. It gets so tiring, no? I keep somewhat of a journal in one of my spiral notebooks I lug around at school and when I look back on the entries, I'm overwhelmed by what petty, insignificant events they seem to be based on. It's a little ridiculous. Thing is, people change, feelings about people change, feelings about the events that tranpire between people change. Why try to grasp so tightly onto something so fickle? So, there. I have wiped my slate clean of all unimportant detail and am excited to move on to the bigger and better aspects of human connection. The topic of today is probably the most complex science known to man: dreams and their meanings. To me, dreams are a vital part of experiencing life and understanding the subconscious state. I don't know that most would agree with me, but, in my case, dreams convey so much meaning in my own life, it's almost maddening. You know that feeling when you wake up and for a minute (maybe two if you slept extremely well) the haze of the dream and the rules of the alternate reality are in fact reality and you think, feel and live the dream lucidly. Isn't it fantastic? Or vice versa! When you are in bed, slowly drifting off and, if you can catch it, your mind goes absolutely crazy. Either it is jumping from one thought to the other at the speed of light or your mind is manufacturing some sort of theory or fundamental law of nature. It's the most intense feeling to realize that your mind is set free of the normal worries and ordinary thoughts and is instead going places you've never thought of before. Unfortunately, it always seems like once you catch what your brain is doing, you've realized where you are, who you are, what you have to worry about, etc. That letting go is something that I feel like is very hard to do without a little help. Speaking of that little help... have you ever tried marijuana? It is all the feelings of dozing or just waking without the whole forgetting it actually happened bit. Granted, you may forget some things while high. First time I did it, I didn't really remember getting from the airport to the highway to my house much at all. But, if you really expand your mind, you can think up so many phenomenal and intricately woven thoughts it's thrilling. I remember my first reactions and very last reactions of the trips the most and the part in between were pretty much a bummer. Never smoke weed with people you don't necessarily know that well and/or aren't comfortable with. So, for the next time, I plan to be around my greatest friends. I can't wait to delve into that dream/think world again. Honestly cannot wait.

2/9/11

I know that the blog obviously dates these little morsels of thought, but in my "journal" (the last subject in my Calculus three subject spiral notebook, last year's five subject pink notebook, and/or any scrap pieces of paper I can find) this is how I label each entry. So, I'm keeping with that.

Today is a snow day. Which is nice really, but it almost just feels like a day that's been owed me. I don't know why. We got out Monday too. And that just felt like a part of my weekend that I already knew was a sure thing. The past two weeks have been so off, it just seems like of course we're supposed to be getting out of school. How could school really still be in session in light of this emotional roller coaster that is February thus far.

On Monday, January 31st at approximately 5:00 pm (or was it 5:30?) I began a search for some sticky labels. I was home early that day - as in before 8 o'clock at night - and decided I wanted to have a little me time. I was cleaning a bit when I came across the remnants of the sparkling grape juice bottle that Maja, Andrew and I had feasted on the day before in light of all three getting $8,000 dollars a year to go to the University of Arkansas. Don't think it's too sweet: our friendship is a rocky and unstable thing. Anyway, after seeing this bottle, I realized that I've opened quite a few sparkling grape juices to celebrate different events in my high school years. Why not make some useless project out of it?

So, as I delved into my Dad's desk to find the labels I would put somewhere on the bottle to remind myself of what the event was that meant I had to have some fake booze to commemorate it, I found three folded up pieces of paper. They looked old, kind of yellow and through them I could see a large font. My first reaction? Old letters written by Meredith and myself to the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause. My last thought? That they'd be suicide note from my Grandfather to me, my sister, and my Grandmother from 10 years ago.

This blog is to be created solely for the purpose of spilling my thoughts. I usually resort to paper and pen, but lately I've written so much my hand has begun to protest. This isn't to prove anyone anything and I don't especially intend this blog to be reviewed or considered. It's a place for me to type what I'm thinking when my friends prove to be too judgemental or naive. Which happens more often than not. Consider this my imaginary (and highly tech savvy) best friend.